(Author’s Note: Yet another one of those “travesties”, this one kind of being a rough parody of sci-fi kitsch and the like which I wrote whilst sat in a pub somewhere just for something to write. It vaguely alludes to Arthur Michaelson in the first travesty, and might be something he wrote, or perhaps a dream of his if I ever actually get round to writing “The Ma’chandra Chronicles”. Needless to say this is a work of fiction intended for the purposes of entertainment/humour/parody only. The author does not condone any unpleasantnesses such as partner abuse which may follow in real life. There is also other general violence, death and some mildly adult humour. You have been warned.)
“My, my, darling! What a sight!” came an unmistakable voice from the foot of the bed.
Arty craned his neck upwards as best he could, the restraints binding his hands and feet firmly to the ornate frame of Lady Estrella Marcia’s bed, leaving the rest of his body barely free to move. As he strained to look upwards, he barely bothered to glance up at the frame he saw before him, all 7’2″ of amazonian perfection clad in little more than an iridescent silver halter-top and matching hotpants, laser pistol and utility belt strapped to the waist, crowned with a perfectly-permed mass of neon-turquoise hair and a bejewelled band around the forehead. Well, he could hardly not pay any attention to it – but his attention was soon diverted to the face, perfectly-lined eyes piercing deep into his brain with a megaton stare, bright red lips curled into that knowing, sarcastic smirk that let him know that he was in deep, deep trouble and its giver would gladly make sure he knew it. The look that let you know, in no uncertain terms, that the 2000 volts of searing pain that was shortly to follow was no less than you bloody well deserved. The look that let him know that, in spite of both of these things, he’d better be relieved to see it, which he surely was. And not only because it was better than the alternative.
“P-princess! By am I glad – to see – you! I- I mean… I can explain…”
Princess Lucidity Morningstar, First Lady of the space colony of Eta Carinae Prime, had no time for such feeble excuses. Not merely because they ill befitted the officially-betrothed of one as important as herself, but because the sound of screams and shouting and the hiss of burning flesh coming from behind the door made it obvious that danger was not far away, and they had better make like a tree and get out of there pretty zarking quick.
“Just hold still a moment,” she instructed him removing the laser pistol from its holster. “You know,” she said as she adjusted several dials on one side of the pistol to the correct setting, “if you wanted to get all tied up like this, there’s a perfectly good bed back home I can tie you to, if you like…” Flicking a switch at the side of the weapon, with just a few expertly aimed shots, she freed Arty of the restraints.
“I know,” he croaked back, struggling upright and to his feet.
No sooner had he managed to just about regain his balance, the inevitable came. A wave of searing agony surged through his body, knocking him back against the adjacent wall, courtesy of Lucidity’s Wand of Principality.
“That’s for sneaking off with that conniving lamia behind my back,” she exclaimed.
Barely had he recovered and staggered to his feet, than another jolt coarsed through him and collapsed to the floor.
“That’s for being such a bloody idiot,” continued the Princess.
Arty could have sworn that in an earlier era that would be considered abuse, but this was (relatively speaking) the 29th century and standards were different; besides, one did not betray the trust of a Space Princess when that trust bound you to her body and soul; besides, such thoughts are difficult to have when your body is still limp and searing with pain, and would mostly have to wait until later. Even more difficult when the Princess in question yanked him abruptly to his feet, planted a kiss full on his lips and assured him in no uncertain terms:
“That’s because I bloody well love you in spite of everything, and don’t you dare forget it!” before adding, “Now, to get out of here…”
“Shag…” was his response, still half-dazed from the pain.
“There’s plenty of time for that later,” she replied.
“…pile…” he continued. “I… mean… there’s an… escape hatch… under the… shagpile… carpet…”
“Ah,” replied the Princess, barely regretting having spoken so soon. Glad of the information, she dragged her hapless beau’s still-limp body over to a chair by the carpet, her well-honed genes and intesnse physical training making up for what those ridiculous 20th-century primitives back in Arty’s time would have considered the deficiencies of her sex.
Before she even had chance to lift the carpet, the door suddenly opened with a characteristic whirr. Lucidity whirled around, pistol quickly drawn out of its holster, ready to dispatch the half-dozen Dog-Men that came rushing through the door, whose abject stupidity made them little more than laser-fodder at her expert hands, but leaving her surprisingly underprepared for the well-aimed javelin of a rough-looking woman dressed in little more than a plain woollen tunic and furs, her hair tied back in a rough braided bun for practicality. The javelin pierced her chest, straight through the heart, and as her collapsed form lay spreadeagled on the carpet staining it with copious amounts of blood, she could have reflected of how wasting her time on such ‘shocking’ behaviour ill-befitted her name and the reputation that went with it, the most she could manage was “oh no, not again!”
“LUCIDITY!” screamed Arty, attempting to spring up to embrace the Princess’ lifeless form before collapsing right next to it, his muscles still weak and in pain from the spasms.
“WHY?!? WHY-Y-Y?!?” he bawled.
“Don’t blame me, sport,” replied the barbarian woman who had moments earlier thrown the fateful javelin. “Just doing what Her Bluehairedness pays me to do. You, on the other hand, she wants to keep alive, as well you know- Fluffy likes his dinner fresh, even if he doesn’t mind some stale dessert…”
“YOU KILLED LUCIDITY, MARIEKA!!!”
“No need to repeat the bloody obvious,” exclaimed Marieka (for what else would a javelin-wielding barbarian by this particular author be called?) matter-of-factly. “Come on,” she continued, drawing the longsword from behind her back and making to point it at the hapless male specimen.
He suddenly reached for the laser pistol that lay a few inches from Princess Lucidity’s lifeless hand, pointing it in turn at the barbarian.”
“Don’t… try anything… I’ll shoot…”
“But you don’t know how that thing even works,” taunted the barbarian woman. “I mean, beats m-”
A lound crackle of electricity could be heard, and she collapsed to the floor.
“Good boy, you’re learning,” came a familiar voice…
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(In our next episode…)
Her Ladyship, Estrella Marcia the Third of Neptunia Secunda, stared at the monitors with an air of feigned calmness that belied her trepidation. Nervously she twirled a strand of midnight-blue hair which fell about her head in a mass of long, loose curls, pretending not to bite a lip painted the same colour as the wine half-filling the elegant crystal goblet hanging down between the fingers of her right hand, heavily-lined green eyes darting this way and that as she surveyed each scene. Carnage had decorated the corridor which led to her private chambers, the bodies of Dog-Men piled high before what was left of the three bikini-clad figures who belonged to her mortal enemy’s elite bodyguard, collapsed in the doorway in an equally dead state.
(What will happen to our hapless …”hero”? Will he ever be free from the nefarious machinations of Lady Estrella and her pelt-clad henchwoman, or get turned into monster food? Just what exactly is Fluffy, and precisely how sapient is he? Is that really a mentally-backed-up clone of Princess Lucidity, or someone completely different? Will Marieka jump ship… perhaps even literally… and join them, or stick by her employer until the bitter end? Will there be any exciting mecha battles involving Lady Estrella’s elite guard? Find out all this and more… sometime in the future, maybe?)
Tales of Lyniezia 